im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
