I'm lost and stupid without you.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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