Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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