I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
as a side note pls kill me
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
