And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
