hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize