i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i dont even know how to be here
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
