it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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