Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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