Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
