our cab driver is having phone sex.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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