I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize