I accidentally burped into my bong.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
