turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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