so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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