I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize