margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
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