I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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