We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
