A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
