Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
