first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
