mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
