i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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