the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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