one might say we're banned from that church
time to smoke my breakfast
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
