Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
