imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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