No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize