i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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