6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
