my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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