mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
