Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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