i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
