New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
