I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
