But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Are my feet made of real feet?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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