He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize