whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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