Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
