There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Pooping to opera.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
