Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
