toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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