theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
