Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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