I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
