Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
