I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
is it fun? or sober?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
