Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
