Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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