this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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