Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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