I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
