There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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