Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
