yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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