is wine microwaveable?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
