I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
