is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
