Soap is not a condiment
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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