I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
