oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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