Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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