if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
