Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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