"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You ruined the universe
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
