No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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