what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
