Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
