Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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